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Joke of the Day

"My 1-year-old thought it was funny to put food in my mouth. It was cute with Skittles. Then she switched to dog food."

"What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger."

"Me: damn, doc I'm losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in? Dr.: a plastic bag"

"Saved a little girl from getting raped this weekend I raped a little boy instead"

"Yo mamma is so fat... That she literally ate my dick."

"Boy: do u have any fantasies Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books"

"I want this election to be over so badly you'd think it was a friend's play."

"Chuck Norris Children usually write there name in the snow with pee Chuck Norris writes his name in pee on concrete"

"What weighs 20 times a North Korean? Kim Jong Un."

"Job interview tip: Bring a box to the interview, point at it and say ""I do all my thinking outside of that."" Then open some champagne."