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Joke of the Day

"A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran."

"That awkward moment when you realize that the nursery rhyme never said that Humpty Dumpty was an egg..."

"We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton's laugh."

"What's got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler."

"Dylann Roof was just sentenced to death.... Needless to say he was FLOORED by the news."

"Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody."

"DOROTHY: What do these shoes do? GLINDA: Send you home D: Lame [tries new pair] And these? G: Wait- D: [clicks heels] [turns into hamburger]"

"Why did Tigger look in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh."

"What do you call a terrorist holding an AK47 to your head? Sir."

"Did you hear about the misanthropic statistician? 100% of people can go fuck themselves. Told to me by a cab driver in New Orleans."