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Joke of the Day

"*I throw my hat into the ring* Oh you wanna fight do ya? *I throw my pants into the ring* Pal this is gettin' weird *I throw my skin into th"

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"What's the difference between my wife and a dead baby? I didn't kill the baby for not shutting the fuck up."
"Hello 911? ""What's your emergency?"" You work in a building? ""Yes"" Inside? ""Yes WHAT'S YOUR EM-"" So you're saying 911's an inside job?!"
"What's the difference between a 100 year old and a 4 year old? What base you're counting in."
"Sister Mary Francis won the contest but I was runner-up... Technically, I'm second to nun."
"(Sigh) I must be getting older. I just read a whole book about a giant sperm whale called Moby Dick and I didn't giggle once..."
"What is happiess... Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city"
"The Most Hipster Job Of All Time Is... Being a Mortician. Morticians are so hipster that their work doesn't get more popular; instead it just goes further underground."
"String theory? It's more than just a theory, dude. String is real."
"A Pomeranian walks into a pomegranate convention, takes a second look at the flier and walks away disappointed."