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Joke of the Day

"my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems"

"My dog is sleeping soundly now that I've removed myself from his king sized bed."

"What asks no question but demands an answer? A doorbell or a ringing telephone."

"My girlfriend is like my will to live Nonexistent."

"Dad keeps breaking into my phone, so I found a password he won't remember. My birthday."

"""Is that the guy who doesn't know how to use the word poignant?"" Yea shhh he's coming over here THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant"

"""Wow he's good"" -possum at the morgue"

"What do you call the babies born in a whorehouse? Brothel sprouts."

"Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck? Because he was a neck-romancer...."

"What do you call an apathetic Russian? A So-be-it."