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Joke of the Day

"Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell. After: get them to put on pants."

"A recent study has found that 90% of dead people don't breathe. The other 10% didn't respond to the survey."

"It was my first time getting laid 5 minutes ago I'm hoping to hatch soon."

"Used to be a stoner..... but I got all of that out my system in high school."

"I think I'm going to sell my Theremin.. Haven't touched it in ages."

"How many Italians can you fit in a bathtub? Don'tworryaboutit."

"Hire The Pretty Blonde"

"They say you should play dead if a bear attacks you. That shouldn't be that hard once he snaps your torso in half."

"My grandfather always used to say that to really know a person, you have to walk in his shoes. He had six hundred and nine pairs when they finally caught him."

"I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I'm dating Madonna now."